Alphabetical Exceptional[ism]

In my day you could call an [A] an [A]

Go down the [B] shop

Take-away from the [C]s

But nowadays

You can’t say anything any more

Said [D] growing up

Then it had to be [E]

Now you don’t know where you are

Because today

You can’t say anything any more

They can’t take a joke ‘specially [E]s

Skins so thin you could see right through

Except you have to see, they gotta be seen

Don’t they?

You can’t say anything any more

It’s a fact the [E] has it good these days

Lucky to be discriminated, beat down

That’s how you get the power

Meanwhile over here

I can’t say anything any more

I am in no sense a [F] by the way

Some of my best friends are [E]

Well neighbours - some - sorta

This is my point

You can’t say nothing, it’s mad

Look I have no problem with [E]

Doesn’t matter if that’s you

In fact I [G]’d an [E] on hols

But probably

Can’t even say that any more

Don’t call me a [H] is my point

I don’t have a [H] bone in my body

It’s actually quite hurtful

Telling me

I can’t say anything any more

Besides you’re a bit [H] yourself

Calling me [H] like that

Things are gonna be a whole lot better

When

You can’t say anything any more

You know what? You’re an [I]

Yeah I said it an [I] and a [J]

So get to [K] and go to [L]

Then

I can say anything once more

Can The Dog Tell You're Pregnant?

I am trying not to say radiant

Because that’s what people say

To women expecting

She looks simply radiant, she glows

And I am not the type to follow convention

We are doing this online so the traps are everywhere

The screen radiates its low-level radiation

Let me turn down the radio

Something something radiotherapy

Do not say radiant, I tell myself

Do not do it

Instead I come out with this:

Can the dog tell you’re pregnant?

Hardly better

A question from a floundering man if ever there was one

Her response, graceful and considerate as ever:

Hard to tell, says she

If they follow you around

Look at you constantly

Supposedly they know

No change there, I add

Stealing her punchline

Then wincing at myself

She laughs all the same

And turns ‘round the camera

So I can see the spaniel

Wide of eye and head a-tilt

Staring, as she does

At her owner

Her mistress?

Mum?

And if it is Mum

(It is)

What will the hierarchy be, I wonder?

Will the child be glad as sibling to a dog?

(It will)

What about vice versa?

(Now that is the question)

Anyway

The animal stares, is the point

Because she has no words to say what she sees

Unlike me, capable on both counts

But tied up in knots

Because who knows what to say?

I do, of course

We all do

Even the dog

She looks simply radiant, it’s true

She glows

Advice on Buying Wedding Gifts

They should be shot

Those who give living things as wedding gifts

Or at least inconvenienced in some way

Like getting the sniffles

Or losing a charger

Or sitting through lectures on metaphor, symbolism

Where they learn the burden of living with

Oh I don’t know

A lemon tree, say

That fruits and flowers in spring

Its emerald and waxy leaves resplendent in sunshine

Until that is aphids appear

Sucking nectar

Excreting black tar-like gunk

A lemon tree

Damaged soon enough from mis-handled moves and

Drunken knock-overs

Its roots constrained and straining for re-potting

In fresh soil

In a real climate

Equatorial please

Content there, wouldn’t it be?

A lemon tree

Honestly who does that?

We love it though really thank you

We’re actually very happy

After all these years